Zen, and an Unfamiliar Passage

by: Scott Mitchell

Forward…

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A Heart’s Desire

How can a world of seven billion often feel like a lonely place on quiet still evenings, looking at a truly empty sky? Some claim they are happy to be alone. Some claim their life is being lived to its full purpose with no God or love companion in all their days on this earth. For others, the feelings are different and they have an enduring need to fill a void in their heart. Some will succeed in filling that void. Others will lay on their death bed, continuing with a suffering worse than any physical pain. Perhaps they chose the wrong path in life. Perhaps they tried to control the uncontrollable. Or, perhaps they tried to control the heart of another human.

The heart has theories of its own. Every theory is from all that we have learned which allows a theory building logic. Unfortunately, theories of love are not materialistic and cannot be scientifically proven. The theories are only lived.  As a baby needs no instructor to learn how to walk, if he could communicate perfectly with all the adults around him maybe he never would learn to do this seemingly natural method of travel on 2 feet. Could there be a flawed definition of love which was learned in the hearts and minds of people as they progress through the childhood years into adulthood?

The song “Love Hurts” written and composed by Boudleaux Bryant and most popularly performed by Nazareth meets the criteria of a desired musical background as one sits broken hearted after a relationship ending. Can true love hurt? Imagine for one moment that love was only to be given and not expected as something given in return. There would be no chance of that sad night under the neon bar sign alone drinking one’s regrets away of a broken relationship. If two people begin a relationship fully determined to only give love and not expect from the other they would never feel empty. Every comforting word and tender touch would be like a life bonus as the two give love endlessly. Withholding love could never be used as a bloody weapon which is one of the greatest enemies of relationships.

Sacred Gift

Happiness and pain can be one and the same

Sometimes the heart finds a place of comfort

yet suffers fear of losing it

In a new love can one know if it’s love or lust?

Can a heart know it found love if it soon could pass?

A wounded soul can give up after a loss

or continue to search with hope

Does a true love exist that some cannot understand,

where the heart is not selfish, but unconditional?

A unity can exist with perfect harmony of two

Both hearts must surrender if they find something true

Is the greatest love to give or receive?

Does a heart seek to indulge

or does it seek love?

SM

November 19, 2008

 

It’s said that God knows everything of the past, present, and future. So as the Almighty’s designed fate would have it, there are rarely seen occurrences of an exceptionally profound nature. Everyone has the ability to love and everyone has loved. But, imagine a love so deep and pure that the life in a person’s body requires it always present to continue. It virtually exists in the physical blood and can always be felt in the heart and flowing in the veins. For some that experience it; this is the first and last love they feel in such a way, for they could never give their heart to another if losing this precious gem. If this event of loss even allows the human to survive, the emotional death of the soul resulting from its loss could never be risked again. As the rare occurrence of coal becoming a diamond, more rare is the deepest of loves felt for another. What is an even rarer occurrence is that this love be decided before truly knowing the person loved. As the one loving learns their life partner is different than imagined, the mind, body, and soul transcends into an oblivious state of confusion, leaving the human with greater challenges than he has ever known. That is, unless he was able to give love with no expectation to receive.

The human can always be trying to fill a void in his heart, or he can realize that the void is somewhat deceptive with no guaranteed good result. Otherwise, he can decide to always fill the void in his chosen significant other. The love received in return could be astounding. True love is not a bargaining chip or a weapon and cannot be asked for. It can however, be given. Love is a decision.

Scott Mitchell (May 17, 2012)

 

Everything written above was in the mentioned years. It’s the forward of a book I began writing and often updated, but never finished. I feel it’s time now.

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Written by Scott Mitchell

October 9, 2017 at 8:05 am

Chapter 3 – Baselining

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Zen, and an Unfamiliar Passage

Chapter 3

Baselining

 

 

“Knowing others is to be clever.

Knowing yourself is to be enlightened.

Overcoming others requires force.

Overcoming yourself requires strength.”

~ The Tao Te Ching by Lau Tzu (written in the 6th century BCE)

 

Driving on Interstate 75 can be pleasant, or cause for a headache. It extends from the upper part of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula (Sault Ste Marie,) and all the way down to Miami, Florida, making it the 7th longest highway in the USA as it literally extends from top to bottom of the country. Driving North on it in Michigan becomes very peaceful after passing Saginaw. There is very little traffic and the only chance for a slowdown is if construction is being performed. This is because not many people have a reason to drive on it in the northern region unless they’re a local or taking a holiday to the UP or Mackinaw Island. When you first realize you’ve passed the well populated civilization there’s an eerie feeling, but pleasant as you view the landscape and endless blue skies ahead. But after 2 hours or so you might become slightly agitated. This is possibly because all that you’re familiar with is far behind you. Or, perhaps the drive is just incredibly boring and we’re used to our mind being filled with new content, through our eyes, throughout everyday life in areas of norm. Most of what we’re viewing in the busy and populated areas might be feeding the sub-conscious, because I’m not sure I even notice 10% of everything passing by me as I drive. Also, the mind having to pay closer attention is at play. Cars coming at you from on-ramps, people hitting their brakes, and watch out for the police! This and a host of other factors are part of our norm; our baseline of expectations and how we best deal with what we’re familiar. Any “city-folk” drivers in Northern Michigan though, even with all the serenity, might become anxious. I smile as I think wow, I can see for miles ahead and spot any state police cars well ahead of time to slow down. But then, I speed up to 85 mph only to suddenly see the nose of a cop car sticking out of a tree filled crossover drive only one-quarter mile ahead and I slam on my breaks to bring my speed back to 70. On a busier section of i75 the cop’s presence wouldn’t matter because everyone else is driving the same, or similar speeds and my statistical chance of him choosing me to bother is virtually none. If you imagine this activity on a line chart and my general baseline of presence is in the horizontal middle, the cop suddenly appearing while driving up north presents a high jump from the baseline in one of the blips on the chart. The cop appearing during rush hour in Detroit only displays as a small and un-noticeable blip. I believe that possibly everyone’s brains work in this way even if we don’t realize it.

As a claircognizant-empath, I’m constantly processing many of these charts in my mind. There’s one chart for each and everything around me. While upward blips represent unexpected things occurring, downward blips would represent failures of things that one expected and sometimes those are huge negative blips. In Zen, there is the philosophy of walking on the middle path. The most consistent and comfortable place to be is always the middle path. While everyone experiences ups and downs in life, some analytical thinkers are constantly trying to assign an up or down to everything. When neither is present though (in the middle,) it’s fine. It’s peaceful. Such as in my experience with Alicia; I didn’t pick up on any significant signs of deceit or control tactics in our daily shared activity. I only felt genuine love and care from her. She knew she was taking chances on me though. Baselining is used officially in various fields and professions. For example, in Information Services professions baselining is defined as “a method for analyzing computer network performance. The method is marked by comparing current performance to a historical metric, or ‘baseline’” and with that you can relate it to any other area of usage.

When I was 21 years old, I got deeply mixed into the “wrong” crowd for one year. I was partying and hanging out with them almost every night and I now simply feel thankful that nothing truly bad came from it all. I never even seen the inside of a jail or back seat of a cop car, as many of my friends from that crowd did. One morning there was a knocking at the door where I was living with my friend. I answered and it was a local cop reminding me that I have an appointment today for a polygraph test (lie detector test.) A breaking and entering occurred after hours at a local store where a large amount of cash was taken. Local investigators believed they knew who did it, but could not find the suspect. My misfortune was being who they knew as a close connection of his and I was in the same bar where he was seen when the burglary occurred. Also, I was a potential suspect because I was one of only a few people in that bar near the store which was robbed, so they wanted to interrogate me. Fact is, I did believe that my one acquaintance did it because of what I saw that night, but was not going to snitch. First, I just wouldn’t. Second, the friend who probably did the burglary is somewhat dangerous and crazy. I almost believe the local small-town cops were too afraid to find the guy who did it and just wanted to start with me and get it out of the way so the county or state authorities could take it to the next level and pursue him.

I hadn’t even showered yet and was a wreck, hair a mess, but walked to the cop car and got into the front seat. We drove to a state police station one hour away and they signed me in and took me to the interrogation room. I was of the mindset that I might be able to easily fool the polygraph when they asked me if I knew anything, but was still a little nervous during the process. They sat me on an uncomfortable chair next to an intimidating looking polygraph machine and they left the room. I was alone and thought “I assume part of this is going to be their visual observation of me” and was careful not to analyze the room with my eyes to see if there were any mirrors or peep holes. If they saw me scanning the room for that it would be some type of check mark against me perhaps? So, I just stared the polygraph machine with interest. I was trying to figure out what they would do with each part. Then I just looked forward and started adjusting my mind to how I’d answer questions and tried to meditate with my eyes open so they wouldn’t see me doing it. My plan was to replace each question with another one in my own mind. For example, “do you know anything about the burglary?” and I’d replace the question in my mind with that of a different burglary which occurred at my friend’s auto shop, of which I knew nothing about. Then, the interrogator entered and explained what he will do and he hooked me up to the machine. I just remember one thing on my finger and one that went around my chest. Maybe one around my arm too, but I can’t remember. He then explained that he will ask me a list of questions that I should lie with each answer, before asking me the same questions to tell truthful answers to. I thought “hmm, he was establishing a baseline to compare my answers to.) I suddenly became nervous because I never imagined that part. I realized that this could mess up my plan of tricking their system and not making crazy Matt come after me.

The interrogator began, “Is your name Scott?” “No.” “Were you born in Detroit?” “No.” “Do you know anything about the burglary of the store?” “Yes.” “Did you have any involvement in the burglary of the store?” “Yes.” Then, he paused and explained to answer the questions with truthful answers this time. For example, “Do you know anything about the robbery of the store?” and in my mind I replaced the question with “Do you know anything about the robbery of your friend’s auto shop?” and I answered “no.” The questions continued for only a few minutes. Then the officer gathered the print outs and said he will return shortly. When he returned, he interrogated me as if I was totally found guilty of something and was a liar. I just simply said that I don’t know anything about it. Then, he said with a calm voice “I know Matt is known to be dangerous and you don’t want to snitch on a friend, but if he did this and you’re afraid to say, just nod your head or something and we’ll take it from here. He will never know and we won’t go forward with charges on you.” Honestly, at this point I wasn’t sure who I was afraid of more. Matt, or what unrighteousness the police could do to me, so I just sat silently, staring down at the table. I was surprised that he stopped the interrogation at that point though. I thought he would have a session of screaming at me and trying to make me crack open like on TV crime shows. He then left the room and the local officer from my town retrieved me and we began our drive home.

During the drive, the officer was asking me questions and giving advice about honesty, but my mind was stuck on curiosities about what was really happening in that interrogation. I can’t think of how an effective baseline could be made by asking me to lie about each question first. I don’t think anyone would have the same physiological indices when answering with lies when being instructed to do so, because that’s not an actual lie. I then figured out that they were baselining something else in the process. Perhaps, how long it takes me to answer questions with no possible bad outcome as a lie would risk. Or perhaps something else. I then realized I must make up for that mess which I probably caused and began talking to the officer like “I’m Mr. Innocent Nice Guy that could never know of someone doing wrong without reporting it.” “You know, I’ve been thinking about who actually might have done this robbery since I know nothing about who did it. I thought about Paula that works there, because I think her boyfriend might do something like that. Or the elderly lady, Joan that works there, because her grandsons seem quite mischievous. I’m just happy that I could take the polygraph to prove that I know nothing about it.” I knew that me saying that would not cause trouble for those I mentioned, but some weeks afterward I still didn’t hear anything about the burglary and I was questioned by Paula’s boyfriend. He asked if I told the police that he might be a robbery suspect. I simply said “oh no, but they asked about you. Only because you have a connection to one of the workers and they thought it might be an inside job.” Him asking me that confirmed that I threw the police off a little. Matt also talked with me in a somewhat threatening manner, trying to decide if he believes me that I didn’t tell the cops that I saw him leave the bar and return as if he ran a marathon, all sweaty the night the store was robbed. This entire experience was one of my greatest inspirations to change my life around and stop being involved with such people.

When I think back now, I believe Alicia is much like me, but possibly with an even higher level of claircognizance. She was always questioning me in clever ways that seemed innocent and not in a nagging style, but in a covert style that worked with baselines. She accepted my answers though, even though I think she knew I wasn’t saying the full truth. I now think it’s possible she was doing like I’ve done with others; having hope that I might change because she saw something good in me that she believed in. I so wish now, that I was in a clear mindset back then and gave more effort to the relationship in the areas I was lacking. My showing of love was never lacking, but my overall respect was. She knew what she wanted and knew what she wanted to be for someone. After a while of my covering up for my activity with Sonia, I could sense her starting to feel depressed a little and one day she supposedly took some sleeping pills and stayed home from work and didn’t respond to any of my messages or calls. This really scared me and I spent the day calling her mother and brothers, trying to figure out what happened. The next day, she went to the doctor and got some time off work. Most of her problem was that her specialized teaching job was wearing her down, but I was extremely worried and felt partially responsible for my part. I told her I want to come and visit her and I bought a ticket to Kingston, Jamaica for the end of October. This livened her up immediately, even though she was still ordered to rest and not work for one month.

The plane landed and I was relieved to be there. I’m very anxious during travel, until the plane lands in my destination. I always feel a strong desire to be where I’m going and can’t stand the statistical possibilities that my vacation could be interrupted by cancellations or delays. I stepped out into the humid Caribbean air and felt exhilarated to be in a new country and a new experience. Then, I walked down the portable stairs and across the plane parking area and then to the Jamaican customs desks. Getting through that was no problem, unlike a couple times in Colombia. I exited the front door of the terminal and waited for Alicia. She seemed to be taking too long to get here and I was sweating in the sun. Then suddenly, from a car parked at the curb, she was walking toward me with that big beautiful smile. Her smile really was the best smile I ever saw. If an artist was to draw a fictional person with the most cliché and perfect smile, that’s hers, naturally. And her eyes inspired the nickname “angel eyes” I often used for her. She never used makeup, but they had a hint of darkness in just the right places to appear as eye shadow and there they were, and the smile, approaching me. I walked toward her and we embraced. She said “my baby love actually came to my country to visit me!!!” She was so happy and so was I, but I was uncomfortable from the heat. We got in the cab and drove to the hotel. She offered that we stay in her apartment the entire time there, but I said I wanted a hotel for the first two nights because she doesn’t have air conditioning and I wanted to adjust to the climate first. Also, I thought it would feel good for her to get out for a couple nights. So we arrived at the Pegasus Hotel in Kingston and I ate some of the KFC she got for me. All Jamaicans that have travelled to USA know that KFC in Jamaica is much better than in USA. If you eat KFC in Jamaica first and then try it here, you won’t even think they fully cooked it here. It’s so much better in Jamaica.

After eating, she smiled at me and asked “do you need to take a shower to feel fresh after traveling?” I smirked and said “yes I do.” Then she confidently exclaimed “when you come out of the bathroom, don’t have anything on; not even a towel!” I said “oh lawdy” and walked to the shower. When I finished, I peered around the open door to see that she was laying on the bed fully naked. I maintained a grin on my face while approaching her and then she suddenly crawled to the edge of the bed on her belly, sideways and softly said “come here baby” while gesturing with her perfectly manicured finger to “come hither.”

—Begin Adult Content—

               I approached and placed my hand on her head and moved it down to her neck, softly grazing it and her face with the back of my fingers. She crossed her arms and laid her head on them, as her face developed an expression of perfect peacefulness as she closed her eyes. I then began softly caressing her shoulders and back and then down to my favorite female feature, the butt, and as I caressed it she started responding with low moaning and moving her head a little. I gave her a little spank and she responded “ohh!!” and moved one hand to the part of me that she wanted to inspire. It became quickly inspired and her staring eyes grew with an expression of success that inspired her to kiss. I looked down and realized something and shared the thought; “the combination of a new manicure and lip gloss never looked so good as they do right now” and she quickly ceased everything to let out a laugh. Then, I laughed and she laughed again and arose from the bed and jumped into my arms with her legs around me and we began our passionate kissing. I was surprised that she was supporting herself up so well with little effort by me to hold on to her, but I took advantage of that and massaged her bottom with one hand as my finger on the other tested her “readiness” for what would come next. She was beyond ready and when she felt me positioning her for it she stopped me and slowly stood on her own feet again and began softly pushing me backward toward the chair. I sat down in the chair with her leaning over me, as our kissing never stopped. Then she kissed down my neck, chest and belly and quickly took all of me that she was capable of, all while looking up into my eyes. “I’m glad that you look up to me without me telling you to” I said, and again she ceased her task and laughed. Then, she stood up, turned around, put both hands on the arms of the chair and declined backwards, softly rubbing hers on mine while looking back at me with an expression of “well??” I had to lift her upward more so I could position mine and she slowly slid all the way down on it while making a slight crying sound. I asked “are you ok?” and she began her dance. Then she paused for a moment, reached for my camera, and handed it to me, saying “I need something for when I miss you after you leave.” I thought that was a good idea for myself as well, and began recording this session. After about 15 minutes of this, I decided it’s about that time and threw the camera on top of the bed and grabbed her butt with both hands as her dance intensified. I said “it’s time! Is it ok to… inside?” and she said “oh yes!” while leaning back onto me and leaving me to do the rest of the work. I’m sure other hotel guests had to hear us that night, or possibly even passers by outside.

— end adult content —

               After that incredible “welcoming” to Jamaica we walked to Emancipation Park in Kingston. The park represents historical events of Jamaica. In the middle are statues of a nude man and woman looking up to the sky. There are various water fountains spraying all around this park and we sat on a bench near one, staring at it. She put her arms around me from the side and squeezed me while laying her head on my shoulder. “Thank you so much for coming so quick. I’m already feeling better” she said, and I took a selfie of us in that position. Then, I replied “you mean the world to me, Alicia” as I embraced her head in my left arm and kissed her forehead. We walked to the restaurant “Island Grill” and had some typical Jamaican favorites. Rice and peas, chicken, and festival (a fried bread.) We walked back to the hotel, where we began our routine of not doing much again. Just lots of loving and relaxing.

After two nights in the hotel we travelled to visit her mother and sister in a small town one hour away. It was an awesome experience because her mother is so friendly and was so happy to see us and meet me. We even took family photos together and I gave her sister a few small gifts. Then, we returned to Alicia’s very small apartment. There was a small kitchen and then one big room that accounted for the living room, dining room, and bedroom all-in-one. It was perfect though. I was surprised that the windows only had huge blinds and no screen or glass. Sometimes I’d see small lizards walking across the ceiling or even in the shower. It’s normal there.

One early evening she said “it’s date night baby! Where would you like to go?” I answered, “I really wish I could answer that and plan the date night, but I know nothing of Jamaica or what the options are.” She said that was fine and she has an idea already. We got ready and called a cab, which took us on a 30 minute drive to a hillside next to a bay. We walked up a stone paved path to a building that I discovered was a restaurant. Inside, they had a huge tank of live fish and we had to choose which ones we wanted them to prepare for us. Alicia insisted I choose them both. Then, a waitress guided us on another stone path to a private table on the hillside where we had a view of the bay and the privacy created by trees. It was our own private, natural Caribbean dining area. I reached my hands halfway across the table towards her and she placed her hands inside of mine as we stared into each other’s eyes. I spoke my deepest heart-felt, poetic confession of soul ever that night and she cried. This exact moment is what inspired the poem I wrote the next day and later posted on the blog, “Twinkling Lucidity.”

 

My angel eyes, if you only knew all you are for me

you’d always know that I love you

My heart’s desire, believe that you are my everything

I want you now and forever

Newton explained why the apple fell from the tree

now I’ve fallen for you

Drawn to you and caught in inescapable gravity

you’re the apple of my eye

In the time of my darkest moment, a light from the moon

now you’re my inspiration

Stars pushed away the clouds and heaven blessed me with you

even more than I prayed for

Looking upward would be futile now, it’s definitely true

your smile glistens more than a star specked sky

If I changed direction, I’d be a determined fool

I’ll stay in this abundance of all I need

Soon I will get on a plane, but you need to know

my heart endures here with you

Two thousand miles away and I’ll continue to hold

my promises, and I’ll prove them true

~

Scott Mitchell

 

After dinner, we returned to her apartment and didn’t know what else to do with the rest of the evening. I opened my laptop and hooked it up to her speakers and put on a mixed playlist. First a slow song played and we began to dance. Then, some upbeat songs and we began doing what was an attempt to dance, but at least it made us laugh and we enjoyed it enough to do it for 30 minutes more. I suddenly felt a little tired and laid on the bed, but she was left standing and looking down at me in disappointment. I extended my hand, gesturing that she put hers in it so I could pull her closer. She placed her hands on her hips and shook her head from side to side in disappointment. Then suddenly, she raised one hand and SMACK! right to my butt! My eyes opened in surprise, and I said “what the!” Then she did it again! And again! Then, she came at me swinging her hands, hitting my shoulder, chest, and almost my face (if I didn’t block her.) I stood up and turned her around and pulled her to my chest, holding her so she couldn’t swing at me anymore, but she continued her struggle of trying to escape. Then I decided to bite her neck, but not too hard. She loved that, so while holding her, I began removing her dress and even ripped it a little. I paused and said “sorry about that” and she began to struggle again, but I dominated and threw her on the bed and grabbed my bandana. I began twirling it so it was like a rope and looked at her seriously and exclaimed “do you want me to whip that ass with this?” as I snapped it in her direction. Her face grew into a sarcastic expression as she lifted herself up and sat on the side of the bed, looked up at me, placed her wrists together near me and smiled. I didn’t expect this, but knew exactly what to do. I used the bandana to tie her hands from behind and forced her on her belly near the side of the bed. We then began our two hours of crazy passion and love making with a messy integration of Reddi-Whip whipped cream. Later, when she was sleeping next to me I turned on the TV and was watching a channel playing the top 40 Jamaican music video selection. There were 4 songs in a row, all by “Gyptian” and as I watched closely, I was also in deep thought about where I was, who I’m with, what got me here, and how happy I am. She raised her head with tired eyes and said “baby, turn off the TV and sleep” so I did after watching one more music video. This evening inspired my poem I wrote and posted on the blog after returning home from that trip. “Marble Rye

 

I see the future and all I’ve dreamed

as I’m staring into your eyes

A hope for today and forevermore

I feel a chill as we share a moon rise

Our dinner dates when you wear a dress

my heart so restless to take you home

Dancing in the kitchen as we laugh and sing

to the bedroom our bodies slowly roam

Never doubt that I love every inch of you

there’s no region I won’t explore

Your dark satin body as my lips venture

a trembling voice says to give you more

Like a tot in a sweet shop, I’ll get my fill

dessert time before we start to bake

I came prepared to be your sugar man

Reddi-Wip to frost my chocolate cake

Devouring at the top and I eat my way down

an insatiable hunger for your flavor

You watch as I approach the last bite

a delicious moment we can both savor

I finished eating but my appetite has grown

the bread has risen so I’ll put it in your oven

It’s too hot and it makes the loaf burst

a grand finale of two hour loving

A million nights together will never be enough

your eyes of heaven as your fingers rake my hair

My inescapable destiny is forever wanting you

in life after death I’ll still need you there

~

Scott Mitchell

Written by Scott Mitchell

October 20, 2017 at 5:32 pm

Chapter 2 – Lion’s Pride

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Zen, and an Unfamiliar Passage

Chapter 2

Lion’s Pride

 

 

Thoreau says “give me a wildness no civilization can endure.” That’s clearly not difficult to find. It is harder to imagine a civilization that wildness can endure, yet this is just what we must try to do. Wildness is not just the “preservation of the world,” it is the world. Excerpt from the book “The Practice of the Wild” Essays by Gary Snyder, North Point Press, San Francisco 1990

 

Sitting at lunch in a Thai restaurant today with my coworker-friend Bill was like any other time we have eaten together. I’m sitting here with a smile, listening to all his rants about the latest company gossip and then national news of how Trump is batshit insane. And finally, onward to the bragging of how his new job title would be beyond a dream come true for anyone and how his recently-divorced, bottomed out on self-esteem girlfriend once again obeyed all his sexual commands the night before. Any moment in his presence is like the extreme testing of my own progress of mindfulness and peace. Keep in mind that his voice is like that of a man with a very deep voice, but adjusted to the pitch of an angry woman’s voice, with raised volume! I simply sit there peacefully, giving the little gestures of acknowledging everything he says and eventually he gets to the point of asking “what’s new with you, Scotty?” and I begin to say whatever thought comes first. As I begin to speak his eyes begin to wander the room and he starts showing signs of discomfort. In my own mind, I’m just smiling a little because I’m used to his personality. I finish my sentence and then he starts his next rant or he begins bragging about something else. This routine can be annoying, obviously, but it’s nowhere near his intensity on the occasional Friday night when I stop at his house for a beer.

The Thai waitress brings our food and we begin to eat, but not before he interrogates her. “Are there onions in this? I said not to include onions. Just green peppers, right? Is that an onion I see???” and the waitress kindly answers “no no, sir. No onion.” Then as she walks away he shouts “last time we were here I found an onion! Remember Scotty?” I just smile and take my first bite and almost spit it out of my mouth. I can’t believe the level of salt in this. Wow! Bill tastes his and expressed the same experience. Then we just do our best to eat half of what’s on the plate. During all of this I realize that what I feared would happen, has happened. All the local restaurants are getting to know him, so who knows what we’ll be getting in our food from now on. I think the only time I’ll go to lunch with him will be to restaurants he’s trying for the first time (even though I always say I’ll never eat with him again.)

So, why would I spend time with Bill at lunch, his home, or even talking around the office? I never suggest that we meet up; it’s always his idea and I accept, but why would I accept to be in the presence of who is the possibly most annoying, narcissistic person ever? Those questions are a little difficult to answer and I often find myself pondering them. Bill is a highly skilled (and mathematical genius) automotive engineer. He’s in a special category of engineering, doing mostly CAE and FEA work (computer aided engineering and finite element analysis.) He does simulations of various types throughout any typical workday. Things like fluid dynamics and crash test simulation. Analysis of many things from pre-production of vehicle safety systems and other parts, to the predicted events of their final purpose in a collision. For example, how much magnesium to use and at what melted temperature to maintain when filling the mold for a steering wheel during production. The “how much” matters because it needs strength, but just enough weakness to bend if the driver collides with it during a crash. Melted temperature in production matters because it must flow into the mold most effectively so there aren’t holes etc, but also the way the molten magnesium cools can determine certain outcomes and strength. Bill can look at any page of numbers, graphs, or charts and tell you the probable results of it. Also, he can step up to my desk and with one glance at my screen pick out the most interesting title in my email inbox and ask me why that person emailed me about that and what is going on with the other subject titles. Very analytical. Very annoying. But somehow, he continues to be intriguing to me. He’s an extreme narcissist, but he’s not a liar. He simply believes that everything true about him is amazing enough. I once asked him if he was interested in setting up a stock market investing strategy with me as a partner, but he wasn’t interested. He’s a 9 to 5 person and then spends every evening at home drinking one or two six-packs of beer until he passes out on the sofa. Having a girlfriend now doesn’t even inspire him to change his life around a little. The reason we became friends is because my area of IT support is computer aided engineering and computer aided design. My boss and I are the only 2 that do this in our various company locations in the Americas and the people we support all seem to be some form of “special.” Many have PHD’s and patent awards hanging all over their offices, but can not do simple things like tie their own shoes. Very interesting group!

I think it’s probably Bill’s analytical skills that get my respect, but him never lying keeps part of me comfortable around him, even with all his annoyances and boasting ego. The rest of the story with the Colombian girl took unexpected turns, which included manipulations, lies, and drama leading to the demise of the relationship. Nearing the end of that relationship (after one of 2 endings of the same relationship to be exact) I decided to start looking for other foreign females to talk with. I was interested in travelling, but my heart also had a longing for love. All the drama with the Colombian had me in a state that I wasn’t ready for something new and serious, but I thought I was ready. I thought about how I always wanted to visit Jamaica and I now had a growing attraction to darker skin women. I guess I felt like taking it up a notch after Sonia, but also the cultures of people of color everywhere seemed very intriguing and I love the apparent being more close-knit in families. Being a blogger at the time, I noticed that many of the deepest writers were also black, from the Caribbean, Africa, and even in USA. Also, this was during the era of a maturing social media world and basically none of sites were being managed with consistency (besides Facebook and we now see how smart they were to do so.) I remember Myspace was the big dog, but it looked very messy to me. They allowed profiles to be designed any way that the members wanted and visiting a highly customized profile took a long time to load and sometimes even crashed the browser. During this period there was also MSN live, which was more simple and contained less, but the feature I was attracted to was the member search based on my predetermined criteria.

Even many years ago I respected Bill’s advice of “the best result of anything can come from using statistics” and I decided I’d use them a little myself. At this point I didn’t even realize that my mind used statistics greatly or why it worked the way it did, with knowing things and feeling people. My first step was the choosing of MSN Live as my platform for my female friend search. I thought that more interesting people might be there. Myspace seemed littered with show off’s trying to outdo each other. MSN mostly had profiles of everyone that simply likes to chat live and then a rarely used news feed platform. Then I developed my search criteria. I learned that women between the ages of 25 and 32 seemed to be most open to talking with me like this so that was #1. #2 was location and I chose Jamaica. #3 was spiritual beliefs so I chose Christian. #4 was profession and I simply wanted to see something there that looked legitimate. I wanted to filter out the dependent ones that would possibly try to get foreigners to send them money. #5 was their last time seen online and of course I only checked out the ones that appeared attractive to me. So I predicted that I would send out ten chat requests with a note and get five responders and one or two of those would be the one. I only found 8 qualified women and sent the note. Over the next two days four of them responded and only one became a potential “keeper” and her name was Nikki. She was quite interesting, but with a somewhat demanding character. Nikki loved telling me stories of her previous relationship with an American and many other things that were interesting, but it all was not clicking in a deep way with me. I continued occasional chat and enjoyed her descriptions of the culture and all the provinces of Jamaica. I didn’t pick up any signs of lying that would be of great concern, but I also didn’t ask questions that could have potentially led to that. All this time I was still talking with Sonia, but she knew I wasn’t happy and that she hurt me.

One evening two weeks later, while sitting in a Caribou Coffee shop, I received an unexpected reply from one of the other prospects, Alicia. She explained that she just moved into a new apartment and hadn’t checked emails and updates online because her wi-fi had not been hooked up yet. We began talking and telling each other about ourselves for one hour. I drove home and continued the chat with her and put Nikki on hold. Alicia asked me if I was comfortable giving her my phone number so we could talk on the phone someday and I did. Suddenly, 15 seconds later my phone rang and it was her calling. I answered “hello…” and all I heard was “good night!” I paused for a second and said “good night” and hung up the phone. Then the phone rang and it was Alicia again, laughing and she explained “in Jamaica we don’t say good night only as a form of good bye. It’s also a greeting.” I joined her in the laughter, apologized, and we continued to talk. She confessed that she thought I was an ex who was playing games on her and creating fake accounts, so she wanted to call to confirm that I was real. I understood and then we continued the talk from earlier, explaining what we do, our interests, etc. We have many similarities. She’s a writer / poet and loves travel and takes her spiritual beliefs seriously and integrates them strongly into her lifestyle. At this point I was not getting any negative vibes out of this, but I had issues of my own perhaps.

This was all occurring in February and the next day we started talking about relationships. She discussed her previous ones a little and so did I. I admitted that my last one ended recently, but I’m feeling better and open to something new now (not entirely true, but I felt like it was.) She began talking about all the books she read about relationships and how a person may need up to one year or more before they’re ready for something new if they want it to be lasting relationship. My response was from a defensive stance I believe, because I felt like I wanted to convince her that I’m safe territory, even though I’m not sure if I am or not. She asked if I’m heart-broken and I said no, I was just greatly disappointed by the last one. She said that she hopes she never disappoints me. There was a moment of silence for us both after she said that. I was thinking that seemed a little forward and with assumptions already, but I did feel like there’s something special about our connection, even this early. I answered “me too.” One thing I decided before this second day of talking though, was that I was not going to open up fully to anyone else, because of my experience with Sonia. I feared heart-break. My responses and words will not have promises to live up to. I was in self-protection mode and will not allow myself to be played with again. In fact, I entertained the thought of learning to use comical rudeness in first talks with women. I was afraid to use it at first, because I always had the nice guy character thing before this. She asked how tall I am and I said 6’3” and she said hers (I think 5’8”) and she asked if I’m sure that’s how tall I am. The previous guy she met online said he was 6 feet tall and was only 5’7” when they met in person. I said “yes I’m sure, or maybe I’m six two and a half. I’m glad you’re shorter because I’ll always look down on you.” Then I paused, thinking ok that won’t be taken well. Then, she burst out in laughter. “Hmm, it worked” I think to myself. Then I thought I should take a bigger risk and said “but keep in mind, there will be moments that I demand you look up at me.” Now this was the moment my heart sped up a little and I thought “ok, get ready to not hear from her again” but suddenly, she started laughing even harder and I felt the connection and openness grow some. Wow, this took everything in a new direction. She didn’t get the upper hand, holding me under her thumb and tell me (in other words) how I have to be a nice boy when talking with her and blah blah. When I talk about topics of the “approach” with others, they seem to understand it completely, but I never thought that doing things differently than what I’m familiar with would work. Some things my small-town USA culture taught me were the types of things that keep in some type of non-alpha mode. It felt hard to break through my developed self, until this moment because I had a continuous backup plan (Sonia.)

Two months passed and we were talking every day like clockwork. Every morning she would call me while I was driving to work and read a daily writing of the SDA church which included scripture and commentary about a variety of life topics. While I was in my office we did short video calls throughout the day and then we had a longer one every evening at home. My general life productivity decreased, but I was happy with these changes. She was literally using as much time she could to be a part of my life from afar and add positive inspiration to my soul. We often wrote short poems for each other or about life in general and I helped her get her first WordPress blog set up. Eventually, I decided I would create a blog on WordPress as well and I created my poetry blog “Evoking the Deep.” She added a lot of beauty into my life, but I had one dark secret-type thing that she was not aware, but she was suspicious of it. I was still dealing with Sonia virtually as well and Sonia could feel my decrease in dedicated time with her. She also noticed an increase of “likes” on my Facebook posts by Alicia and one time when I posted a photo of myself Alicia commented “looking hot!” and then Sonia commented after “yes, my love always looks hot.” I quickly sat up at my desk and stressfully started trying to decide what I need to do. I deleted the post. Then, I had to answer to both because Alicia already saw Sonia’s reply. I simply, but cautiously explained the story to both. To Alicia I explained “oh yeah, there’s nothing going on with her anymore. She’s just getting catty because she’s mad that we’re not together” and then to Sonia “oh yeah, she’s just a virtual friend and we never talk one-on-one. She was just being nice I guess.” Then, I had to sit for a while and think “am I now a ‘player?’” I never had to deal with such a thing before. I was less concerned about Sonia because she played me and broke my heart after 7 visits to Colombia. But Alicia was my new hope and my connection to the “new me.” But what is the new me? Unfortunately, there was one even bigger secret. I had a flight booked since January to Colombia for travel during the Easter holiday and I still wanted to go. I grew so accustomed to Sonia and her family and the comforts of the Caribbean coast and this would probably be my last time to experience it.

April came and I devised a story to tell Alicia. I said I must travel to Mexico for work related reasons during the Easter holiday. She said she was hoping for me to come to Jamaica during that time or her come to Michigan and I apologized that it wouldn’t work. She accepted it. So, now I’m a liar and a player? Dear God! No, I’m just trying to keep this process peaceful, right? When I went to Colombia I didn’t take much time to write to Alicia. I wanted to, but I thought that would lead to requests for a video chat, which could be a problem. And it hurt inside to even think about talking with her and having to cover my lie. I just told her that I had limited access to internet and was very busy and didn’t feel well. Now I’m a big liar, ugh! My entire time there, Sonia could sense that I was not the same person I was before. I had a lot on my mind and she broke my heart, so of course I was different. I generally enjoyed myself while in Colombia though. That trip was an entire 2 weeks long. When I returned I had to answer to Alicia for the inconsistent communication. I really did feel bad, especially after she said how bad she felt the entire time. But eventually, we got back to our routine until one day she called me upon waking in the morning. “Why does Sonia have a profile photo of you and her together?” Hearing that woke me up faster than ever. I said “what? Oh my God! She must be doing that because she’s angry at me still and she knows that me and you are talking.” Then more questions and more answers I had to be creative with. This was really wearing me down. Then later that day Alicia talked with me about coming here for the summer, since she’s a school teacher and has the entire summer off work. After thinking about it for a while I agreed that it’s an awesome plan. I knew that it’s now time to make some final decisions about Sonia, but then I thought about all the games she played with my mind and heart and I just decided I didn’t care how she would take it all. I’ll just dedicate my time with Alicia and hopefully enjoy this first meeting in person, sharing our summer together.

Mine and Alicia’s anticipation for seeing each other was growing and we started writing more poetry. I tried to keep my deep feelings of guilt at bay while just enjoying the thoughts of this new experience. Sometimes though, I became nervous with thoughts like “what if she realizes she doesn’t like being with a white guy or I don’t know how to be romantic in the right way or something?” This would be my first time with a black woman and her first time with a white man, so I just didn’t know. The good thing I felt, was that I kept the upper hand in this scenario. I never gave signs of her having any power over me in many ways, such as in nagging. Sometimes, if she badgered me with questions that I didn’t like I just said “no” and she knew that I meant it and wouldn’t discuss it any further. She was a beautiful soul though and I just wanted to protect my heart because of all I went through previously.

July came fast and she was on her way to NYC, where we’d first meet. I anxiously waited at the airport and suddenly I saw the most beautiful woman ever, with the biggest smile walking from the arrivals exit. We embraced and she immediately gave me a 3 second kiss on the lips. Wow, those lips of hers felt great. We then got a taxi to our hotel and couldn’t take our eyes off each other for the entire ride. We checked in and went to the room, where I asked if she was hungry or wants to take a shower to feel fresh after travelling. She agreed about the shower and I said “the only thing you need to wear when you come out is a towel and I’ll be removing it.” She giggled and walked to the bathroom. Then I sat anxiously waiting, wondering how this would go. My show of confidence was totally fake and out of norm for me at that point.

(note: the following is adult content.)

Suddenly the bathroom door opened and she exited, again giggling with shyness, and with only a white towel wrapped around her body. Then she stopped and was making cute facial gestures and I became somewhat hypnotized and walked toward the bed and sat on the edge, facing her. She began her approach, in a slow sexy catwalk style while her face gradually changed from smiling to seriousness. One thing I’ve learned, is that women of color have many beautiful traits of expression. For me, their facial expression can very powerful and take over my soul. I already knew that she had the most beautiful eyes I ever saw, but to see what was in them now was something I never imagined and no words could describe. Then, as she was standing over me between my legs I slowly opened the towel just enough to kiss her belly as my hands slid around to squeeze her slightly plump backside. My head started feeling tingly in a pleasant way, as if my soul was spreading out from my body and into the area all around hers. I then removed the towel and it dropped to the floor and I began kissing her breasts. She began a whisper-type moaning, encouraging me to continue and telling me how amazing it feels. Then she slowly got into straddle position on top of me and I grasped the back of her neck firmly and began kissing her lips as if I was starving for them. Her moaning continued and I encouraged her to tighten her legs around me and I stood up, still kissing her. I removed my pants, turned around and gently placed her on the bed and began kissing her neck and breasts and then down to her belly. I then sat up looking downward, so my eyes could absorb this beautiful queen for a moment and returned my lips to her belly as she already seemed to be in a medium-level climax. My tongue teased the lower regions and inner thighs a little and then back upward. Finally, I tasted what I inspired and continued in a devouring style as she screamed motivational pleading to continue until her hand was suddenly placed on my forehead to stop me as her twitching body was left gasping for air.

“Did you like that?” I asked. Her head lifted from the bed to look me in the eyes and she couldn’t speak, but let out a long wooooh and her head fell back on the bed. I crawled to where I could see her better and lightly caressed her face. Suddenly she arose and exhaled with a low, but powerful roar and pushed me back on the bed and it was her turn. I want to say it was my turn, but she was so into it, pausing often to ask questions “you think you’re bad?” and almost gave me enough time to say something while stuttering, but then she continued. Pause… “you want this as yours now, don’t you? You better never forget that this is mine only or I’ll knife you, bastard!” I ignorantly tried to answer “well, umm…” and then she continued. Ok fine, she has the upper hand right now, no arguing! But I didn’t want this to be over yet and I could feel it might soon be, so I decided I better dominate now. I grasped her hair to stop her and said “HEY!” She stopped and looked up into my eyes. I then guided her away and into the bed and I jumped up, grabbed her legs, and quickly pulled her body toward me so her legs were around my waist. I grabbed her wrists and held them over her head with one hand, looked into her anticipating eyes, and we slowly merged. I was very surprised at how much force was required on my part to fully be inside. It was like she was squeezing me. This actually made me feel sore afterwards, but it was a soreness that physically kept me wanting more. Like the feeling of an itch that needs scratched. Can’t know for sure if she meant it, but we both agreed that our style was something new that we never experienced before. Definitely true on my part.

End of adult content

Our remaining days were so simple, yet beautiful and relaxing. Quiet weekends, evenings and mornings of love making and watching movies. Breakfasts and dinners in bed. We took a couple short trips, but never did very much. We were just so happy to be together. Our love making was not always as heated as the first time. More often just peaceful and almost “meditative” while speaking poetically to each other. The day before departing I stared at her on the bed as she slept. I absorbed every uncovered part of her with my eyes and opened my laptop so I could write her an email. I explained how amazing she is for me and how I could imagine us never parting from each other. Also, how sad I am that she’s leaving. I thought she could read that on the plane or something, but later when I exited the shower she was sitting on the bed bawling and looking at her phone. She stood up and embraced me with the tightest hug and said how much she loves me and to please not let her leave. I embraced her even tighter and begged her to please not leave. But, we had to accept reality and get back to our responsibilities. I felt thankful for the future hope we now shared though and the intensity of our poetry writing increased dramatically. I quickly knew that this amazing woman is a “keeper;” definitely the type that if I don’t someday share vows with, someone else will. She’s highly intellectual, honest, and has a great heart. Shortly after she left I wrote “Inescapable Destiny.”

 

Inescapable Destiny

A nomadic voyage, a heart’s quest

Quiet and alone were an attractive option

But your music makes me dance

Your beauty induced a trance

What do I have to offer, but this heart

I could swim the sea to you

I can drown

or take this love to my last breath

The warmth while holding you, oh….

creates an infinite confirmation

My moist eyes looking into yours are not sad,

no…

I’m jubilant and thankful

You held resilient to your promise

and gave all that you are

I was lost and you restored me

My caramel coated aspirations live

in memories

Dark brown eyes and a body of firm silk

my hands and soul are deprived of you

My heart’s demise begins one minute apart

A day or more is torture lancing outward

through my flesh

Inspirations defeat all lucidity

I need you

Every future thought, you are there

Your motivated smile is a victory for me

and I can smile

My endless home is now wherever you are

~

Scott Mitchell

Written by Scott Mitchell

October 19, 2017 at 6:14 pm

Chapter 1 – Claircognizance

with 8 comments

Zen, and an Unfamiliar Passage

Chapter 1

Claircognizance

 

 

“Claircognizance is the ability for a person to acquire psychic knowledge without knowing how or why he knew it. The user can gain information about a person, object, place, or event through intrinsic knowledge, as in it just “comes to the user’s mind.” – A wiki link

The definition of claircognizance above is one of many, but understand that it’s probably not an actual “psychic” ability. I think of psychic ability as something that uses a spirit-like realm to see and know things. I believe that claircognizance works as part of someone’s hypersensitive psychological abilities. Often the obtained knowledge does seem to come out of nowhere so it does appear as psychic. But I believe it’s the conscious and subconscious working together to form a powerplant of super-analysis with answers to what’s truly occurring around us and what is very likely to occur in scenarios.

I am Scott Mitchell and I’m a claircognizant. Besides that, I’m an empath and at my old age have never came out saying these things like this to anyone, until recently. I’ve only hinted at it and people get uncomfortable when trying to explain the claircognizant traits. They either think it’s weird or that I’m trying to say something to impress them about myself, or if they even begin to believe it they must think how strange it would be to be around someone that knows their true thoughts and what of all they say is actual truth or only part of a mask they’re wearing. Furthermore, with my highly analytical build up of statistical data based on every type of person I’ve ever met, I see the probable future of people and scenarios. I’ve generally learned not to judge people and my analysis of them is held at bay because to be honest it’s a little draining. It’s like I still see it all, but have a recycle bin that it quickly gets swiped into. I’ll try to explain what it feels like to be a claircognizant, and of equal importance, to be an empath at the same time. I don’t consider myself as qualified to say the officially accepted definition of any trait, so this is all simply a description from my perspective. If anyone wants to know more about the officially recognized details of these traits endless information can be found online. I haven’t even done much research about it myself and I feel comfortable at the level of knowledge I have currently. One interesting thing I did discover recently while researching other related topics, is that empaths often attract to those with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.) If you know what that is and think about it mixing with an empath you’ll imagine some complicated scenarios playing out. Also, I believe I’m attracted to people with higher than average emotional levels. Probably because I feel a deeper level of connection. I begin getting angry around people that exaggerate things though, because I can’t stand feeling the difference between the fake and factual things being said.

Some years ago I began to study the philosophies of Buddhism. I’m Christian by full faith, but was very intrigued by the peace of mind that Buddhist practice could achieve. The problem for me is that it’s hard to even begin to silence my mind, but I hope to improve on that. Now I label myself as a Zen Christian. The Zen learning and practice has helped me to be peaceful inside while around people. Being an empath I feel their emotions. Yes, feel. I don’t only have an understanding of their emotions, but I feel them personally in my own being. In debates or arguments this can be ugly because I immediately feel hostility when the other has it and then I react the same, or more intense. In the presence of love, I feel theirs and often my own at the same time which creates extremely deep and beautiful emotions. I guess that’s why I’ve often felt deeply inspired to write romantic poetry and that’s why I love people so easily. I’m already feeling love for them even if they feel it for me first. One profound part of being a claircognizant is in the presence of people speaking or even writing and being able to immediately know if there is untruthfulness present in part or full. Me as a claircognizant have highly analyzed the personality and character of people since a very young age. I think I loved talking with old people the most because they often seem to have the least to hide and I felt more comfortable with fewer masks, but I’ve analyzed everyone endlessly even from across rooms. I can’t avoid doing it. One thing I can’t stand is fake personalities. I get extremely uncomfortable around them because I’m used to feeling real feelings so when someone is acting helpless or faking sadness for attention I don’t even feel like I can be close to them. So at this point in life my mind has recorded thousands of personalities and mixed personalities, their actions, and their results on countless topics. That’s one reason why claircognizants are known to predict the future and I imagine many psychics that are known for accuracy are actually claircognizants. Imagine that in only a few seconds you’re throwing out 20 fishing lines in a small lake that you already know the depth of and where the fish are and reeling them all in at the same time and then quickly knowing that line 15 will have the biggest fish. I literally think backwards from various possible future points to the present. In other words I reverse-engineer various possible scenarios from their end result to the present moment and use a variety of other factors to calculate the most possible one to result. The strange part is how do I know that line 15 will have the biggest fish? This is the part that I’m not sure about, but line 15 does have the biggest fish! It must be a part of the sub-conscious using all the calculations and deciding the most probable one. Well, the same happens in conversation about let’s say, a talk about a new business venture partnership and I ask the other person a question. “Can I trust you to honor our agreements and not cheat me?” The person answers with a long statement and as I listen to his words I’m throwing out fishing lines to the future with every possible outcome and it’s all somehow based on what he says and how he says it and then added to anything else I know about him. Perhaps his eye movements or his body language or the tone of his voice are being used as factors as well. I honestly don’t even know what all my sub-conscious is analyzing, but I do know what will most likely happen if I continue in the business venture with him. It never proves wrong. I’ve went against my claircognizance many times and regretted it every time. The problem is that I allow the heart (remember I’m an empath) to take over sometimes. Some people have genuinely good intentions even when they won’t follow those intentions. Or, sometimes even the feeling of their heart desiring to have good intentions when they just can never seem to follow them is allowed into my decision making. My mistake, but sometimes I feel like there’s a chance of changing things to have a better outcome. So, I can still go into the business venture and I’m literally trying to change the future in such a case. It’s stressful and rarely works, but I feel like I’m working for something good in the moment. It’s painful to later follow up and ask if they’re still honoring the agreement and they lie. This example was meant as an overall description of many things we deal with as being claircognizant. If someone knows we’re able to spot lies and they take covert routes to avoid detection, we detect that too. It’s part of some of those fishing lines we’re always casting out to the lake of possibilities. I believe it’s accurate to say that we use statistics at very high potentials with amazing accuracy. I don’t judge or think badly about people for not being truthful in most circumstances. As I sit listening it’s like I see little red and green lights. They say something untruthful and I can’t avoid seeing that red light flashing, but I sweep it aside to the recycle bin. I’m no better than anyone and have even lied myself. I’m just used to this seeing of reality and process and I learned to even accept this common human trait as normal. My description of how the process works may be different than how it works for other claircognizants or maybe even different than how it actually works for me, but that’s how I feel it works.

Claircognizants are known to be creatives and love logical process thinking and problem solving. I work as an information technology professional and I’m always troubleshooting and resolving problems. We also love following passions and building from inspired ideas. I’m an artist myself. We love learning. I once read that many can pick up instruments and just start playing with very limited learning beforehand, but I don’t have that trait, unfortunately. Perhaps I’ll try to learn the guitar again soon. I’ve never tried to strengthen or even use claircognizance myself, it just occurs with no effort. Sometimes things I could have seen in the moment takes one or two days to come to me against my will. I apparently don’t even have the ability to avoid it. A few times in my life I’ve considered doing exercises to use it more effectively or use it for practical means, but then I imagined it might become too much to carry and maybe I wouldn’t be able to go back to my normal. There have been times where my heart so wanted to believe in someone that I held the lie seeing and premonition at bay and after one day it still came to me. There have also been times of being lied to for more than one year, but the “empath” trait of myself was allowed to rule until I felt like I was becoming crazy from “knowing” the facts. I’m trying to avoid that from now on because it really wears me down. So, I’m left with the thought “what if it didn’t come or I was able to ignore it? Would things happen differently and am I somehow removing rare chance that unexpected things could have occurred?” Well, there’s a statistical chance of it, but not a big chance.

My continued writing of this book will be labeled as fiction, but is it? Or are some parts of it fiction and some factual events? I leave it up to you to decide (assuming even one person will ever read this.) I have a story to tell! Enter a story of love, art, adventure, and a search for Zen.

………………..

These flashbacks feel like they are at the same pace of my heart with each heavy beat throwing another image into my minds eye. I can’t stop, nor do I wish to stop the images of beautiful moments lived during the past many months coming back to me. My eyes begin to water and sometimes my upper lip twitches and I contain myself. My right ear begins to ring and then the ringing fades. My health has lessened recently and I’m a little depressed. I’ve just recently ended an endeavor that was very important for me. I’m guessing that I don’t handle such events like a “normal” man. As I sit in a mall and analyze all the passers-by I wonder which of them just had their heart broken. There’s nobody else sitting alone on a bench eating an oatmeal cream pie and looking around in a clueless manner as I am, but there statistically has to be at least one of these hundreds of people with a newly broken heart. Why can’t I pick them from the crowd and how are they handling it so well? Oh, there she is! Walking through the front door of the mall a twenty something year old woman was talking on the phone and hiding her face from others nearby. While her blond hair partially covered her downward looking face, I could still see the rosy colored cheeks and the movement of her mouth making it obvious she was crying. My vision becomes tunnel vision, totally focused on her. My heart began feeling something sad for her. My eyes started picking up the details of her outfit and accessories and the way she walks. Professional working mother of one going through a breakup? Possibly. How will she handle going into one of the stores and getting what she needs while so emotional? She suddenly stopped walking and continued talking on the phone, turned sideways but with a side eye looked over at me for a moment and then turned and walked toward the doors to exit. I wonder what she thought when she peered at me. Does she think I’m a strange man watching her? Hmm, I suppose I am that. Or did she pick up a similar energy frequency and looked at it? Then I saw her try to slam the second door in anger on her way out and the fact that it was one of those slow closing doors made her more furious. Whoever is on that call with her is really making her mad. I return to my thoughts. I’ve never had such a high hope for things to work out with someone as I did this year. I’ve had high hopes a few times before this, but this one was even more profound.

I’m considering closing my eyes for a moment for a short meditation, but then remember that I can’t seem to meditate in front of other people. It just never works and this place is filled with people. Why doesn’t anyone stop and ask me what’s wrong? Do I look normal? I don’t feel normal and by the way, why don’t I have a nearby friend as support in this moment? I’m always used to being alone even though I have so many friends and none of them even know about this recent break-up. Now my thought is how I’m guessing that in Zen philosophy meditation should be able to be done anywhere. I decide to try it for a moment and I hear voices, footsteps near and far and a variety of other sounds. I absorb it all and try to see the spirit of these people rather than the human form. I can feel them to some degree. Then when I open my eyes again I continue seeing them that way, in spirit form. This practice (with eyes open) is something I do often and it has an enlightened feeling in doing so. People seem to get too distracted by physical forms and don’t try looking at what’s inside I believe. Not that I can see what’s inside all of these strangers passing, but to strip them of all their industry manufactured coverings and the face they’re wearing I can feel some type of connectivity to them all. Almost as if we’re all connected by some deep part we may never see unless we try. I remember hearing Wayne Dyer say “you’re a soul with a body, not a body with a soul” and that was very well understood by me. I think that even people as a collective are constantly getting closer to the point of not associating with what’s inside of themselves or others. It’s as if corporations are becoming so smart in marketing and advertising that they’re taking ownership of how our minds work. They pay the top psychologists and marketing strategists to develop failproof plans of owning human minds in covert ways that we don’t even realize. I believe that the ego is the primary means of doing it all. “If you own or use this product, everyone will see you as amazing…” and blah blah. Wait! I just said we don’t even realize it, but I always hear people mentioning this. This is crazier than I imagined. We see it and still allow ourselves to be owned! Then there’s the government and the medical industry which I won’t discuss now. The point is, we’re being completely owned and if you trace the path of it all it leads to the all glorious dollar and gaining of power. I’m now reminding myself that a student of Zen never goes on rants about society and I calm my mind. My personal events of late are what I should be focused on. Calm the lion inside.

Many years ago I saw an elderly man late at night outside of the Hilton hotel where I was staying in Cartagena. Alone and sitting at a table facing the sea, he was in the shadow of the table umbrella, but I could see him clearly in his white suit and classical top hat. He sipped from his glass of some type of dark liquor on the rocks and puffed his cigarette peacefully as he glanced over at me on occasion. He wasn’t doing anything peculiar, but there was so much peculiar about him. Something intense, as if he was observing me in a way that sometime in his past he had lived the moment I was living. I could feel his pondering and his soul standing somewhere between happy memories and regret of only having memories and missing those moments. He didn’t appear to be Colombian and is probably an American that has ventured far and wide. I couldn’t sense that anything of this place was new to him, but I knew it’s not his home. So what led him back here? Just to revive his memories again? Were his original adventures the same thing that led me here? I pulled the woman (Sonia) I was with to my lap so we could stare into the mostly dark horizon of the sea together, but couldn’t take my attention away from him mentally until we left the patio to walk on the beach. I wondered if my path to this place and experience was similar to his. It was an interesting journey getting to this point….

One year later

“Mi amor, I want to tell you something for the first time and I can finally say this with all my heart. Te amo mucho mi amor” my Colombian butterfly said with streaming tears, a strong Spanish accent, and a voice almost incapable of producing clear words. Awe, my love. “Yo tambien te amo mucho” I declared. “Mi amor, I wish my English was better so I could tell you all that I feel. I only have all the deep words in Spanish” she softly said. I replied “My love, I don’t even know the words in English to tell you all that I feel for you.” “So lindo you are mi amor. I hope you never change” she said for the second time ever with a slight sound of relief and glee as if my words had been her medicine for sadness. The events leading up to us declaring such things to each other felt like an adventure of sorts to me.

One year before hearing the first “te amo” from her, it was the end of summer where I’m from and I was with Sonia as I was about to return home from my first trip to Cartagena, Colombia. We both predicted before the trip that the day I leave there would be difficult and sad in some way. We quietly sat on the airport bench and only said a few words during pauses in my sad thoughts of leaving. I looked toward the location where the people were entering through the airport security and said “that gate is my enemy in this moment.” She looked at me with sad eyes and smiled slightly. I walked to the line and as I approached the gate I crossed the security rope two times to kiss her.

The second kiss was the saddest and I quickly turned my head and tilted my cap to hide my sad eyes. When my time arrived to walk through the metal detector I turned my head to Sonia and gave the special gunslinger kiss I previously invented and used on MSN as we chatted and used webcams. I suddenly remembered something she said, in fact, I could hear her voice in my head saying it. The memory was from a night when she was tired and relaxed and laying with her head on my arm as we looked into each other’s eyes. “I hope you never change.” After this I thought to myself “I never will change and I hope you never change.”

Before coming we named this trip “The Sonia and Scott adventure.” On the day I arrived in Cartagena I quickly walked outside into the incredibly hot and humid air to see if Sonia arrived yet and waited in the crowd for a few minutes. I didn’t see her so I stepped to the side and arranged some of my things. I then looked again and saw a petit, but nicely shaped woman sitting on a bench with an older woman. I walked around the crowd of people and approached her from behind. She turned and looked up at me and smiled, arose from the bench and laughed and said “hola! Como estas?” and gave a small kiss on the cheek and a big hug. We both found humor in actually meeting in person finally. Also, she was surprised to see how tall I appeared in person and I was surprised to see how small she is.

Mariana, the woman she was sitting with is a cab driver who began talking to Sonia when she saw her sitting there alone. She somehow adopted Sonia and I as a couple she wanted to take care of with our transportation and miscellaneous other needs (ATM, currency exchange, and food recommendations.) Mariana drove us to the apartment Sonia arranged with a friend of hers that owns it for the first night.

I was surprised when I entered the apartment to discover it was as hot as the outside in the blistering sun. Sonia turned on the air conditioning and eventually it made the room comfortable enough to stay in for one night. I loved this place and hated it at the same time! The attributes of it were unexpected for a hotel or rental apartment for a gringo like me. There were no bath towels or anything for bathing/cleaning. There was no toilet paper. There was one bed, one day bed, a television, a sink, a 2-burner stove, and everything in the cupboard (cups, plates, etc.) smelled like rotten fish! We relaxed for a short time and talked. Sonia called Mariana and asked her to retrieve us and take us to a recommended restaurant. We arrived at the restaurant and ordered some typical food of the Colombian coast. The meal started with fish soup which has coconut in it and was very delicious. Then, we had some beef, rice, and patacones (deep fried plantains.) The entire meal was delicious and the beef so tender and seasoned perfectly. Since my arrival Sonia asked continuously if I was ok and my answer was “I’m fine, but tired from the plane trip and adjusting to the hot and humid weather here.” After eating our meal I said “I’m feeling better now” and we began talking normally because of our getting more comfortable with each other. When we finished and walked outside I began feeling strange again from the heat. We walked along the ancient wall that once protected the city from pirate invasions and continued talking, but I felt bad that I could not be myself in this extreme heat. I saw a lot of the most attractive part of the city, but could not absorb it as I had planned. This heat is too much!

We called Mariana again and she took us back to our apartment. We went inside and sat on the beds and talked. I gave Sonia the white chocolate bars and a bracelet I bought for her in the USA. She said “that deserves a kiss” but I didn’t quickly take advantage of that. An hour later I reminded her of this and kneeled in front of where she was sitting and received the kiss on my face. Then with a smile I said “here’s my passport if you want to confirm who I am.” She looked at it and then looked at me because she noticed something she didn’t like. The emergency contact name was a name of someone I used a different name for because I didn’t like the chance of someone I don’t know well in person knowing details of my family members. I explained my reasoning, but I felt the first day with her had gone in a negative direction. I was disappointed and I could feel my heart fall, but accepted the potential facts that this event could get the trip off to a negative start. I began thinking that I could modify my plans and do other things in Colombia if she seems unhappy during our time together, but then remembered I have a commitment to her which I would honor. I was over analyzing anyway. I unpacked a bag of items from the store (towels, soap, etc.) As she took a shower I began moving the things off the smaller bed which we used as a storage location to the floor and prepared my bed, laid on it, and began watching TV.

A half hour later she sat on the bed next to me and started explaining that she wants us to be honest with each other. I agreed, apologized, and again explained the situation as best as I could. She then said “I owe you some birthday kisses.” I said “yes, that’s true and I hope to get those” and she began with innocent kisses on my face. Each one was a little more intense though and my heart was starting to beat hard and fast as this woman I wrote poems for and talked to daily from 2,000 miles away kissed my face. I could feel every detail of her big soft lips pressing against my face. She asked me why my heart was racing and I explained “I only dreamed of meeting you in person and knew you only on Skype, the phone, and email for the previous 10 months. Finally, I’m with you in person.” When she got to kiss 25 she said she had kissed most places already and asked where the last ones should be placed. I gradually directed her to my lips and the last one was the type that I’ll never forget. This was the type of kiss that a man and woman could proudly mark as “their first kiss.” Then my hands naturally wandered and removed her blouse and feeling her warm back as she did the same to me. I unfastened her bra and worked toward the front and was surprised how huge her breasts felt as my hand couldn’t even fully embrace one. This felt so right, but suddenly she paused and explained how she didn’t imagine we would do this on the first day. I explained that I respect that and we can hold off and see how we feel at a later time. Her hand then slowly slid down my belly and into my pants and grasped me in a way that I knew there’s no turning back now. At this point my mind and body were on fire as we were in a race to remove all our clothing, tossing it all in various directions. Somehow, I still felt awkward on this small bed and intense moment and was looking for a comfortable position. She began showing signs of struggle to get out from under me. After she succeeded she pushed me down on my back and climbed on top of me, grasped what she inspired, and slowly declined on it with her eyes opened wide and staring into mine as if I was a welcomed violator. I think I was looking at her in the same manner as she began slowly adjusting herself to our merge and increasing the rate of her declines. I grasped her huge breasts and almost thought I was dreaming because of the perfect view of this honey toned Latina giving herself to me. It was like a dream coming to life for many reasons. I was born in Detroit, but grew up in a small white farm town and always had a fantasy of being with someone of a different race and she’s so beautiful and sexy. Every morning, mid day, and afternoon to follow would have similar sessions with growing intensity.

Later in the evening Sonia said she was hungry, but didn’t feel like going anywhere. She said I should go to the store and buy some food. I felt a sudden nervousness since I can’t speak Spanish and I knew getting food would be a challenge. Then I realized I’m never the type to avoid a challenge and maybe she’s testing me in some way so I left the room and went to the store. There wasn’t much to choose from so I bought a bag of Doritos and another bag of mixed chips. Sonia didn’t eat any of my sad food selection and we went to bed. I’ll never forget each night as we laid in bed looking into each other’s eyes. Sonia talked in a very soft angelic voice when she was tired. This fact combined with how beautiful she is and me feeling like I was in an unbelievable dream created perfect moments every morning and night we had together.

We woke the next morning and were trying to decide where to stay this night. I said I would like to have a night in a different type of hotel. Something more familiar for me with its amenities, etc. and I could plan this for us. We went to an interesting little outside restaurant and had a breakfast of beef, patacones, and juice where many others were doing the same but drinking beer in the morning. We then walked back to the apartment and Sonia took a nap while I went to the internet café and made a reservation at the Hilton Cartagena. After 2 hours we checked out of the apartment and began the short walk toward Hilton. We checked in and went to our room. Sonia was a little surprised I would choose the Hilton because of the price but I believe we both liked this air conditioned room with a balcony, king size bed, and modern bathroom. We rested on the bed for a while, followed our desire for a passionate moment, and then ordered a room service meal. Sonia decided to take a nap and I wrote an email to her as I watched her laying there in some way that she appeared to be an angel resting.

When the evening came we decided to go to the hotel restaurant and have a beer together. Sonia did her makeup and put on the most amazing and beautiful dress I ever saw a woman wear. I thought this dress must have been made for her because her wearing it was perfection. This combined with her “Colombian woman proper walk” as I call it, made her the most stunning woman I ever saw. She made the room glow with her presence and the ambiance of life itself changed in every moment I looked at her. I took many pictures of her that night. We sat outside in the patio area of the bar surrounded by palm trees and talked as we slowly drank our beer. This is the moment I saw the elderly man sitting there. The hotel service was supreme here and we were alone outside in the fresh night air, besides that strange man. The sound of ocean waves could be heard and seen only 100 meters from us and tropical birds could occasionally be heard singing their evening love songs in the distance. After drinking our beer we walked to the beach. I was amazed to discover we were the only people on this beautiful beach in Cartagena! We walked a little, talked some, and eventually found a comfortable rock to sit on and continue talking. Sonia knew from the way I looked at her that night that I was amazed by her beauty. I told her some of my feelings and romantic thoughts as the gentle wind and ocean waves created the perfect evening ambiance. We stood on the beach holding each other for ten minutes before returning to our room to make this night complete by living out some of my previously written poetry. Every one of our evenings together finished in hours of intimacy, quiet talks, and me staring at her. Then for about an hour or more before sleeping every night I would caress her body softly with my hands and lips and tell her my desires to keep her forever.

The first night we talked online was one year before this moment. I was talking with various other women, but with Sonia I instantly knew I wanted to know more about her. Only one night of chat would not be enough for me. The moment I saw her picture I felt a little like the cliché saying “love at first sight.” Her big beautiful smile, dark hair and skin, and incredible eyes awakened every male hormone in my body. Then, the more we talked the more I learned she was a very intelligent and interesting woman. We talked a little about our shared spiritual beliefs and I eventually realized she was very serious about such topics. That was another thing that attracted me. Two days after this our online discussions continued and increased in time and quantity. She was on vacation from her office and she used most of her entire days talking to me as I worked in my office. Every day the feeling of talking with Sonia felt more like a need. I upgraded my chatting to MSN where we eventually used web cams on a Sunday morning and we both confirmed legitimacy in who we are physically. I began writing poems to her and about her as my love of writing is always looking for a subject and she seemed to be a good muse. Before my travel to Colombia my friend Jeff was telling me to not develop any serious feelings for women of foreign countries that I only know online and he could see I wanted none of his advice. Knowing her name, he found Sonia on Skype and posed as a single American soon to travel to Colombia for business. He asked if he could meet with her and after some minutes she agreed and gave her cell phone number to him. He revealed he was a fake, said good bye, and quickly sent the Skype history to me with the message “I told you! Don’t be foolish!” My heart broke a little as the image of this sweet woman died in one second. A fake stranger on Skype had more with her in 5 minutes than I had in two months. I sent an email saying “life is an adventure, isn’t it?” with some other rambling. I kept the message both positive and sad and in some way wanted to say good bye to her. My heart changed , but  I continued caring for her. I sensed from her messages that she felt bad and I called her and she said she felt better. She didn’t know with certainty that I knew about her conversation with Jeff though.

I soon decided that I still want to visit Colombia and began looking for other English speaking women there. I did not feel as though I wanted a relationship, but it’s logical to find potential life companions rather than only talk to women I wanted nothing more with. It’s just not me to pursue one night partners. But, something about Sonia caused me to never discontinue communication with her. In fact, I started talking with her like normal again. She eventually told me about a previous guy she “liked” in the past. I didn’t ask much about him, but she said the guy was from Canada, yet living in Central America and she said she knows nothing of him now. I started thinking more seriously about actually going to Colombia. When she asked what I would do in Colombia I said I would see her and others. She didn’t like this idea of me seeing others and she didn’t know my reasons. I knew I wanted to meet her in person, but I didn’t know what could become of us so I wanted a backup plan. Several months passed and I gradually committed to only considering a plan with Sonia and I did eventually buy that ticket for my first trip. So here I am.

The next morning we had breakfast in a designated breakfast location of the hotel. This was another impressive location of this property. The pool, palms, and chirping birds created an excellent morning ambience. Sonia arranged for me to have express laundry service done with the hotel management so I could have one of my outfits cleaned before driving to her home town Monteria. She was required to be at her office for a dance practice that night and the next day when visitors from Bogota came. This worked well into our plan because I wanted to meet her family and see her home. As most would do in Colombia for a 4-hour travel, we took a bus that only had 7 seats. The ride was not bad because we had a lot to talk about, many laughs, and a lot of cuddling. This bus ride allowed me to see much of natural Colombia in-between cities. It seemed that at every stop sign people selling every type of marketable item would invade the bus. I learned to not even look at them, but like everything that happened during this vacation, I thought it was interesting.

We arrived in Monteria and I finally was introduced to some of Sonia’s beautiful family including her aunts, cousins, and brother Ivan. When the time came for her to attend dance practice I went with her friend Alexandra, Ivan, her cousin Jorge and his girlfriend to the commercial center to have coffee at the Juan Valdez café. This was fun as they are all fun people and very generous in their willingness to take care of me while Sonia was away. After the coffee, we went for beer at a small bar where Sonia joined us. Jorge was being very insistent that I get drunk with them. Sonia looked at me and said she don’t like that idea, but she won’t tell me what to do. I didn’t want to get drunk anyway so the decision was easy. Jorge was angry because I think he was excited to get a gringo drunk and he blamed Sonia for me deciding not to follow his plan. We returned to Sonia’s home and went to bed.

The next day we took a bus back to Cartagena and I absorbed every moment of the ride as she rested her head on my lap. I held her for the entire four hour bumpy ride. We arrived in Cartagena hungry and in need of a hotel. One call to Mariana and she found us an apartment to rent for the night which meets my requirements (bath towels, bath tissue, and all the other expected things.) For dinner we walked to El Corral as they are known for making good hamburgers in Colombia. We were so tired and did all we could to absorb every one of these last moments together. We could already feel the separation we’d experience the next day. We woke in the morning and I walked to get McDonald’s breakfast. I was surprised to find they have the exact same food as in USA, but some additional Colombian style items as well. After eating we had our last intimate moment with a fun integration of strawberry jam from McDonald’s. After a shower and packing our things we got a taxi to the airport and I departed. The next day Sonia and I were talking on the phone as I sat in the park and watched water going over the dam. I decided it’s time to do something. I asked Sonia to be my novia (girlfriend.) “Sonia, you know how much I like and adore you. Would you make me the happiest man in the world and give me the honor of being my novia?” She said yes. Within the next few weeks I was already looking at flights to Cartagena again.

Back to the present moment, I still can’t avoid occasional curiosity that arises about that old man at the hotel and now I’m somehow relating it to the memory of that woman crying in the mall. I think my claircognizance might be going haywire. This is possibly because of the recent dealings in my heart and my mind is still trying to get back to normal. Yesterday I wrote journal entries, that when I look at today don’t seem to contain the same clarity and mindset that I normally have. Hopefully I only need more rest and will return to normal soon. I’ll try to improve my usage of meditation.

Written by Scott Mitchell

October 18, 2017 at 4:58 pm