I drove into Port Huron, the boyhood home of Thomas Edison at 11 am. The sun was shining perfectly bright and warmed the inside of my car on this freezing Michigan winter day. After walking around the mall I proceeded toward the Thomas Edison Inn which was my traditional place for weekend evening lounging until November, 2011. The ambience perfectly matches my personality when I want to simply relax, write, or even chat with interesting folks. As I got closer, memories and a feeling in my heart reminded me of why I’ve avoided this place for more than a year. It was a Saturday evening like any other, except while talking on the phone I was informed of a lie that changed my perceptions of a person greatly and would be the beginning of events that lead to writing the Unfamiliar Passage blog. “It’s ok now. I can put it in the past” I think to myself as I pull into an empty parking lot. I know this is not right. There are always cars here at any time of day or night. I saw a guy walking and asked him about it. Hilton bought this property and is remodeling.
“Ok, I know an even better place that I haven’t visited in a while” I think and proceed to the downtown area. The Raven Café is a beautifully designed place. Not modern at all, but perfectly un-modern. Mostly wood construction walls and floors that creek when walked on. The upstairs portion, where I always sit has soft leather sofas and a good view of the St. Clair River. Old books line every wall as they would in a library. I order the super BLT and a café mocha and absorb the fact that I’d rather be nowhere else. All these people here though. Some small groups and some alone. Some are studying and one in particular looks suspicious. Why does that guy look up occasionally and scan the room and then be sure his laptop is slanted at the right angle so nobody can see his screen? Hey, why am I analyzing everyone? Maybe I’m weirder than that guy! Ok, enough thinking about such things. My real reason for this little day adventure is to review the past and decide where I want to go next in this life.
I’m sure I’m not the only one to contemplate such things. Seeing what I have and had and wishing I had more or that things happened differently in my life. It’s like a trap of the mind. In between what we don’t want and what we want and a feeling of anxiety takes over the mind, probably making a person less productive in their life. We’ve all heard someone somewhere talk about living in the “now” and it is all becoming quite clear to me. Who would choose to live a fake life (living in past, wishing something was different, etc.) rather than living in the now (accepting what is and responsibly taking actions that are not ego based to achieve goals?) My recent listening to Eckhart Tolle’s audio book version of “A New Earth” helped me to remember my place in this world and my control of nothing else than myself. I’m a poet. What does that mean? It means I sit and write poetry of whatever desire has ownership of my current thoughts. Also, I obviously sit in old world themed coffee shops and write things like you’re reading now. And now I put on my Beats headphones and begin playing Beethoven – 7th Symphony – 2nd Mvmt – Allegretto. If any single word can describe this moment, it’s “perfection.”
Below are a few photos I took during my journey to Port Huron. And yes, the title of this post is in regard to Thomas Edison inventing the incandescent light bulb
I’m far from perfect and have my own bad traits, but when I make a formal promise to someone that I respect, my soul is guaranteed to keep that promise. It’s not even possible that I break it (intentionally at least.) I got permission from my friend this morning to lift a promise so I could just write this. Those who saw the poem begging for forgiveness to someone on Evoking the Deep probably have an idea that I was going through a tough time recently. It’s true. I was. After writing that poem and note, and in an attempt to force myself to put things in the past I made a promise to a friend that for one year I won’t write anything else about a that person or try to contact her, or anything. The only thing I could not promise was that I would stop thinking about her. So, I felt partly liberated after the promise because I knew there was no option to try contacting or writing a poem she may see, etc. BUT, the thoughts continued. Thoughts of unanswered questions to things that didn’t add up. I’m an analyzer and I don’t feel complete until I see the answer to all of the math. I started meditations to recall all of the events and started feeling the justification for my decisions, but not as strongly as I felt when I saw what I was about to see.
Suddenly, while online digging deep into something, a REVELATION!!! I saw what would change every one of my thoughts about her. More than a year ago I made decisions to walk away from that person because of super-profound intuitions I had. Yet, that person swore viciously that I was wrong. But still, the intuitions won in the event (hence the beginning of Unfamiliar Passage.) Then, I felt guilty later as I thought back to how I made the mistake and hurt an innocent soul. Well, what I saw yesterday online with the perfectly appropriate date embedded from exactly the right time (more than one year ago) was exactly what I needed. It confirmed every one of my intuitions from that time. If I saw it when it occurred I would have felt badly about it, but I can’t explain the weight that lifted off of my soul yesterday and the smile that was possibly bigger than I ever had. I even laughed aloud in my office! Does that mean I’m not guilty? No, as I still thought that I may be making bad decisions in that time, but continued to do so. In the human realm and “the game” (which I don’t like much) I am definitely spot free. I now continue to give 100% forgiveness and I’m free of all negative thoughts related to the event. I’m tempted to contemplate the question of why I had to endure a year of all the bad feelings. I don’t know the answer. It just had to happen that way. I posted this here today only to express my extreme relief and explain why I modified the post on ETD to remove my apology note at the bottom which doesn’t make sense to keep now. I keep the poem fully intact though (with a different title) as a reminder of this time of my life. Previously, I may have looked at the probable future for her and laugh because justice will be served till the end, but no. I don’t wish such a life on anybody and I’m sure anyone can change for the better. Now, I have other things to focus on and I hold no hard feelings for the events of yesteryear. I feel free! Thanks to everyone who commented and gave uplifting support! I love you all!
May all of our stories continue toward peace, and love treat us kindly.
Ps. I think the promise to my friend goes into effect again after posting this, so I may never mention the topic again in any way. (for one year at least)
Well, I cheated on Riri a little with Shakira because dang Shakira can move those hips and has some good music as well. She should have kept her natural hair though. I love many modern music videos because of all the creativity and work they put into them is phenomenal. Then, I returned to Rihanna again (good thing she’s forgiving!) At the bottom of this post you can view her video “Where have you been” and it’s no exception. I think they found 100 different ways to show her sexiness in one video (especially at 1:30 WOW!) Also the part when they are dressed like Gypsies, she has that serious forward stare and all the dancing is spot on. I can’t avoid smiling during that part.
But more importantly, I still know there is something in that girl. I’ve seen her expressions before while being interviewed, etc. and I know with all my heart that she’s constantly at battle with some things inside. I think she’s in the realm that the dark side is almost impossible to avoid and I hope she finds peace in her life. Her job is not only one of glamour and fun, but one of the hardest jobs in the world I believe. Never any truly relaxing break in that business. Nevertheless, her art continues thriving and being top notch.
Anyway, here’s the video (I think she didn’t look in Michigan yet)
“Yes Philip, the other Mexican restaurant is great, but not as good as this new one I’ll introduce you to today” he said to his co-worker friend as they walked toward the conference room where they were scheduled to hold a meeting. Philip responded “what’s wrong with our normal one? You always loved that place!” He stopped outside of the conference room and turned toward Philip “our normal one is ok, but it’s not one to give heartquake or something. I’m tired of the inconsistency there and finding un-chewable chunks in the carne asada.” Philip grinned and continued looking back at him as they entered the conference room “did you just say heartquake? Haha! What the hell is that? It sounds like what you get as food poisoning is setting in!” He answered “heartquake is not something bad! It’s something good. In fact, it’s beyond good so much that it can’t be defined!”
He slammed the door and leaned against it with his back and watched as Philip sat in a chair and placed his meeting materials on the meeting table. “That’s what she gives me, Philip. Heartquake.” Philip raised his eye brows and looked at him over the top of his glasses. “You mean the girl you met the other day? What happens when you experience this ‘heartquake? Did Alicia used to give you that?’”
“Yes her, and we have a date tonight” he answered and then opened the door for a moment to tell the other meeting attendees that he needed one moment before they join and he closed the door. Then he looked at Philip and began explaining while slowly walking toward him “heart quake is a moment, hmm, but more importantly it’s an incredible sensation! It’s when all of the world around you simply stops and the only two things that exist are you and whatever is giving you heartquake. It’s like a state of shock maybe, and you’re not even sure if all you’re seeing is in color or in black and white because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you continue gravitating toward the other part and merge with it. It’s like the moment before achieving one’s destiny Philip, and the heart starts beating hard. In fact, I think it can be heard beating! And it’s a rhythm, ahhh, between each two beets you feel pulled a little closer to your destiny, like bump bump…” as he takes two steps forward “bump bump” and then leans on the table toward Philip and calmly says “and the thing is, I’m not sure if it’s her that causes it, or simply the fact that she reminds me of Alicia. It happened the first time I saw her on the sidewalk outside the club and in the first moment I saw her on our lunch date” as he holds his chin and looks toward the floor with a confused face.
Philip laughed a little and said “ you’ve gone mad just for the fact that you haven’t had any in a while my friend! I hope you get it soon or even I could be in danger of you wanting to ‘merge’ with me, haha!” He looked away from Philip and replied as he walked to open the door and allow the meeting attendees in “no Philip, you’re too tall. You know I prefer shorter. And you’re an ugly man, Philip; an ugly man!” Philip replied “not according to your mother, my friend.” They both laughed as the door opened and the others entered.
Daytime quickly grew into evening.
“I’m probably giving her way too much control over everything” he said to himself as he sat in his car waiting outside of the Detroit Institute of Arts. It was now 7:51 p.m. and she would be arriving any minute. He remembered their earlier phone conversation in which they discussed the plan for the night as she said “I imagine you’re the kind of guy that likes to make the plan for the evening and knock a girl off her feet, so why not try something different and allow me to plan this one. What you think?” He wittily replied “anything I could do with you while NOT on your feet has to be a good thing, but ok, you go for it. If I’m not impressed there may not be another date.” She laughed and said “well, this plan will definitely be in a public place so you don’t get the wrong idea, mister! Meet me at the DIA at 8:00, okay? And dress casual for this plan!” and the call suddenly ended. He looked at his phone and laughed “ok then, I’ll see you there.”
He sat and waited in the empty parking lot, envisioning the possibilities of the evening “oh no, this will not go well at all. She’s not from here and didn’t realize the DIA is never open this late. She will definitely be distraught when she realizes it and the evening will be ruined” and he started formulating the backup plan that would save the evening, but he was suddenly surprised by someone tapping a key on his car window. It was her! He exited his car, or almost fell out of it actually, as he looked up into her beautiful smiling face. There she stood smiling, holding half full plastic shopping bags in each hand “so, we gonna do this?” she asked. The heartquake moment hadn’t occurred this time because his thinking was focused on the situation at hand. He felt sorry for her and replied “I’m sorry. I don’t think you’ve noticed the place is already closed.
“Someone is being a bad date and not having faith in his planner tonight” she said as she smiled and held up a set of keys and jingled them sarcastically. “Would you be willing to try having faith in something tonight, young lad?”
What was he to do now, and how to jump back into this with full spirit? He suddenly changed his direction toward the institute building and began strutting and maintained a stare back at her and loudly began singing a Proclaimers song “When I go out, yeah I know I’m gonna be. I’m gonna be the man who go goes along with you!” and he stopped and made a ridiculous face while continuing to stare back at her and her surprised wide opened eyes. “AAAAA!” she screamed and then began doing an exaggerated model on the runway strut past him as she loudly sang “If I get drunk, well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you!” and she stopped and looked back at him like “well??” He ran to her and took the bags from her hands and held his arm out, gesturing that she place hers in it. She did, and they began walking toward the entrance in perfect pace, together singing “But I would walk five hundred miles! And I would walk five hundred more! Just to be that man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door!”
They were laughing hysterically even after entering the building and approaching a security booth where a large black guy wearing a security uniform sat smiling as he watched them approach. “Good evening Miss Tara. I see you brought a guest this time” he said with a deep, but peaceful voice. She replied “it’s just Tara. You’re like family for me so remove any sign of formality” she said as they hugged and she kissed his cheek and then asked with a smile “there are no security checks scheduled in Europe tonight are there?”
He answered “only if I hear screaming. Haa haa…” as he looked at her male companion and jokingly gestured with his fingers pointing to his eyes as if saying he will be watching him. She then held her companions hand and began leading him toward the European painting section of the institute. He was finding it difficult to absorb the moment, as it was almost unbelievable they were the only ones there. It was so quiet and peaceful aside from the sound and echoes of them walking.
“We’re here!” she said and took the shopping bags from him, removed her Blackberry from one, and placed the bags on the floor in front of a painting. Then she initiated a playlist of classical music on the Blackberry and placed it on the table in front of the painting. “Make yourself comfortable” she said and pointed toward two red velvet pillows on the floor. He sat on one and quietly watched as she removed her long black coat to reveal a simple, but cute yellow and black outfit that adorned her splendid figure. Every part of her looked like perfection tonight. From her beautiful eyes and lips to her smooth brown shoulders and beyond… How could any of the art be enjoyed in this place while such a perfected goddess stood in plain view? But, then she pointed at the painting and said “this is my favorite one, recently anyway. It’s Rembrandt and titled ‘The Visitation’ from 1640.” His eyes turned toward the painting and he began analyzing it as she continued speaking. “It’s Mary, newly pregnant with Jesus and Elizabeth, nearly giving birth to John the Baptist. It’s related to one of the most beautiful events of the world, ever, but whenever I look at it for too long, I begin crying, because I see their faces and then foresee how this is related to one of the saddest events of the world as well.” He just sat with an expression of awe as he listened to her and could clearly see her passion related to this painting. Just to show his interest, he knew he had to ask or say something so he asked “did they have peacocks in that part of the world, back then?” and he immediately wished he could have asked something better, but she answered “you noticed! Rembrandt placed that there to symbolize Jesus’ immortality, as there is a myth that peacock flesh never decays!” as she looked into his eyes and suddenly became quiet. His focus completely returned to analyzing her beauty and he asked “can I take a pic of you with your favorite painting?” She answered “of course!” as she sat sideways with one leg up on the table in front of the painting.
“Do I look exactly like ‘her’? The one you’re always thinking about?” she asked him. He didn’t expect that question so suddenly, but answered “there are similarities. I once considered her to be the most beautiful woman in the world, but you are clearly that tonight and every part of your essence has my full attention now.”
He sat back down on the pillow and she sat on the one next to him “It’s ok to talk about it. I won’t feel bad. I just want to hear how you describe things from the past. So, what have you seen in me that is different than her?”
He wanted to change the topic, but thought of a funny and true thing he could say “I have not seen the dazed look in you yet” he answered.
“Haha, that’s horrible! Now you’re calling her dazed or dizzy?”
“Oh, no! And I don’t think she was, actually! But, on rare occasion she had a strange expression manifest on her face, as if all of her brain power had been exhausted and needed a break as she seemed to stare into nothingness. It was so strange and didn’t fit in at all with all of her other looks. And the thing was, she appeared just as beautiful to me in those rare moments of the dazed look and it made me like her more! It felt like a confirmation that I would forever see her as the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m still not sure what was happening in those moments, or if anything was happening at all, but I loved the dazed look! And of course, I never told her about my coined term.”
Her: “The way you described that is intriguing!” and she noticed he was suddenly looking at her with a strong curious expression, so she asked “what are you thinking?” and he answered “I just saw it! You have the dazed look!” and she said “WHAT?” combined with a screeching laugh as she gave him a swift open handed smack to his shoulder.
“HAA HAA! I was only kidding! I don’t think you have the dazed look actually!” and she stared at him with potent angry eyes, yet obviously not angry and began to say “someone’s not getting a….” and didn’t finish the sentence. He smiled and his eyes opened wide “someone’s not getting a what?” and she began doing her signature event of holding her hand up and staring at her finger nails as she clicked them and softly said “sometimes I can’t look into your eyes, because I like them too much.”
He leaned closer to her, softly wrapped his hand around hers to stop the clicking and said “I must admit, that I often feel like I never want to stop looking into yours” and then used his other hand to touch the side of her face and turned it toward him so he could see her eyes.
Him: “All I can see in them beautiful brown spheres, yet fail to find words for. I’m not sure if the sky is falling, or perhaps the rise of a great and powerful city that I’d never want to step out of” and he felt the heartquake begin and it was more intense than he ever felt before. His heart began the rhythm, bump bump……. Bump bump…
Her: Staring into his eyes and beginning to lean toward him, she partially closed her eyes and whispered “When in Rome….”
“Trickling water on the windowsill. 5 a.m. on the droid as I lay still. Half frozen rain pelts the house in tune, with a soul alone in this big room. I should leave this bed and start my day. Closed eyes and memories force my stay.”
“….. what’s that you said, my angel?”
She answers “the sound of the water fountain here and sitting on a bench with you in this park is what I needed. Thanks for coming for me, all the way to my country, my sexy love!” as she pulls herself into him with one arm and her head rested on his chest. He smiled and answered “I think I needed this more than you. If you only knew how important you are for me” as he lifts his hand with the camera pointed back toward them and began taking pictures as they held each other. Abruptly, his phone vibrated from an incoming message and happened to be in his shirt pocket where her head was resting. “Oh, sorry love!” as he removed the phone and held it at an angle so she couldn’t see the screen. She looked at him with an expected explanation grin. “Oh, it’s nothing” and he was surprised that she allowed the incident to be forgotten and gave him an even firmer hug. He couldn’t avoid a feeling of bliss as he reviewed the photos on the camera, seeing her face resting on his chest, with her deep expression of peace and relief. It had been several months since they were last together and the time was trialing.
Bzzzz bzzzz! The phone received another incoming text message.
His eyes opened and he realized he was back on his bed. He then looked at the incoming message to see it was from his new lunch date friend. It said: “I think I understand what is happening, but if we talk again it has to be by your efforts. Stay good and God bless”
“Ok, I at least have to call her” as he raised his tired body from the bead and walked toward the bathroom to shower.
While driving to his office he contemplated what he should say when he does call her. There would be no explanation or excuses for his neglect. Only an honest apology and ask how she’s doing. “Okay, I can’t think of anything to say or talk about so I’ll just wing it. I’m not trying to impress her.” After parking his car outside his office, he looked at the missed calls and dialed one that was hers. Each ring seemed to last longer than normal as he waited for her to pick up.
Him, with a peaceful deep voice: “Do you drink tea in the morning as well?”
Her, with a sarcastic and cute voice “Is a stranger calling me and inviting me on a tea date?”
Him: “Stranger yes, but more importantly, a potential stalker” and he could barely hear her giggle even as she obviously held her finger over the phone microphone to hide it. “….and the potential victims that should fear me most are those that try to hide their fun and flakey traits from the rest of the world.”
Her: “Should I hang up now and call 911, or should I hunt down the stalker and give him what he has coming to him?”
Him: “Hummm, it depends on what he has coming to him” and then he clearly heard her giggle with no attempt to hide it.
Her: “So mister stalker, what are you up to this morning?”
Him: “I just arrived at my office and was thinking about you and thinking about how sorry I am for missing your calls. I hope you give me another chance to keep my promise of not missing another one, but I must add the disclaimer: if I’m hanging on to a cliff with one hand and have the choice of answering your call or saving my life, I’ll have to choose the lifesaving option, only because I need to see you again.” He suddenly stopped walking, looked at his own reflection in the exterior office window with shrugged shoulders, hands raised palms up, and a dropped jaw as if asking himself “WHAAAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO HER!!?? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!??”
Her: “Oh, really now? And what makes you so sure I won’t cut you, in self-defense, if you do stalk me down and see me again?”
Him: “I think you already cut me a little, as I feel like a little piece of my heart is missing. In fact, I think you stole a piece of it the other day. You should be handcuffed and frisked, little lady!” and he stopped again and looked at his reflection, held his phone behind him and audibly said “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? STOP NOW MAN!” and then returned the phone to his ear
Her, laughing hysterically: “What was the last thing you said? It didn’t come through!”
Him: “I asked if you could meet me for dinner tonight at 8:00” and he looked at his reflection one last time, shook his head in disappointment, and continued walking toward the office entrance.
Her: “I know that’s not what you said, but sure. I have to run to my morning office meeting so we’ll discuss the details later, okay? Oh, and thanks for calling!”
He thanked her as well and ended the call. After he sat at his desk and thought for a moment, he smiled and took a deep breath and began his morning work routine.
“That’s the same white dress you wore the night you made me chicken curry and the best potato salad in the universe” he said while leaning on the doorway and watching her play the piano. She stopped playing, continued her forward gaze, and softly spoke “hi baby” and then continued playing the piano as if still alone in the room. Just hearing her voice saying that made his heart start pounding, his throat swell, and eyes water. He began walking toward her “you’re not even curious how I found you here?” and she continued playing as if she didn’t hear the question. With his forehead scrunched and sad squinting eyes he stood near the piano on her left with hopes she would look at him “I’m sorry for everything Angel Eyes, but I really need to talk with you. I’ve tried everything…” and she continued playing as if alone. He dropped to his knees, placed one hand on her leg and one on her shoulder and looked up into her focused and emotionless face as she continued playing. Memories flashed through his mind of all the pain they had caused each other, but mostly the pain he had caused for her. There was no room for pride in this moment and he began to cry and spill his thoughts.
“I’m sorry love! If I could go back and do it again I would be stronger and I would give your heart all it needs! Please let me hold you! I was learning about life and everything was new and you know all I survived before meeting you! I was afraid, but I wanted to give it my all and I would have!”
The tears were flowing hard and he buried his face into the side of her dress “please just allow me to hold you.”
The piano stopped.
She placed her hand on his head and spoke peacefully “I tried too baby and you know I tried to be patient. I tried to understand. It was just too much and after everything, I still wanted you to be happy. And then, I had to go.”
He wiped his tears and looked up into her beautiful face looking down at him and noticed something was different about her “why are you pale Angel Eyes? What happened!?” He quickly stood up, pulled her up to him and grasped her with both arms. She rested her head on his shoulder with her lips near his ear and whispered “you know I had to go, baby.”
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” he screamed as he woke grasping the quilt on his bed. He looked at the quilt and threw it on the floor and removed the blankets so the air could dry his sweaty body as he laid in deep thought. Memories of their deep moments and shared passions of life. With her it felt like life was art and he finally felt life as he always hoped for previously. It was the one year anniversary of first hearing her say that she wants to move on and he could still hear her voice exactly as he did in the moment she said it.
He then said aloud “She never knew all she was for me and it’s because I couldn’t find such deep words to say it. And now, telling her is not even an option.” He stood from the bed and leaned on the window sill with both hands and pressed the side of his hot and sweaty face against the cold window and began thinking of the woman he recently met. What if she’s exactly the same or what if he could love her even more? “It doesn’t seem possible” he says, but begins thinking if there is any possibility, he could use all he has learned and do everything differently this time. He looked at his missed calls to see the missed call from her earlier in the day and remembered his promise not to miss any calls. “How can I break that promise!?” he shouted, but it felt like the best thing to do when he saw the phone ringing and decided not to answer it. Someone once told him that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear, and he truly feared having another heart break. Even if he gave full effort, she could surprise him in the worst moment with realization that she is a different person than he thought he fell in love with, just as someone had done in the past.
“It’s just not worth it” he said to himself and returned to his bed.